Why do Wimbledon's female tennis players orgasm on every point?

THE television has been on the blink in the flat this week. In fact, it's been on the blink for well over a month.

Despite running numerous articles about the Digital TV switchover in the papers in East Sussex, come the day when the analogue signal was condemned forever we did absolute zip and instead were delivered a screenful of fuzz!

Attempts to retune to get a TV signal from anywhere, even Hilversum or Luxemburg TV, reaped nothing. So, having ordered a Sky TV package, the guy who owns the flat I share called in someone  to fit the box, a fella who proved to be a total job's-worth since he wasn't prepared to scale the outside of the listed sea-front building to dangle wires from a rooftop dish into a third-floor flat!

In the meantime, we had to retreat to the nearby David Lloyd club to watch Euro 2012 football matches, while we tried to blag a Freeview box and Heath Robinson aerial contraption from a neighbour to see if we could fare any better.

At last we got a picture, albeit stuttery reception. So this week, while watching Andy Murray's escapades at Wimbledon, the screen shows Murray and his opponent in mid-rally as the picture freezes for about 20 seconds. Just like "A Question of Sport's" what happened next question, you're trying to figure out who's going to win the next point based on where the player was positioned on the court.

It's so frustrating and intensely annoying, moreso that if you hold the aerial you create a circuit and the picture is great, but step away and you've got dandruff all over the TV screen. I'll be damned if I'm standing by the window holding an aerial for a couple of hours so I can watch cheerful Andy Murray win a match.

We've called the local repair man and aerial specialist to help out. He can't see us until next week since he is rushed off his feet dealing with similarly television-challenged customers who didn't get their act together with all the warnings of the Digital TV switchover.

It's going to cost the best part of a couple of hundred quid to get a new and powerful aerial installed in the roofspace of the flats. In the meantime, we're going to try our luck with BT Vision and see what success we can enjoy there once the aerial is installed.

As for Wimbledon itself, it is so hard to like the ungracious, unsmiling Murray, yet watching the quarter-final against David Ferrer last night, the pair served up some scintilating tennis. I love Wimbledon and the whole atmosphere of the place having spent many years at SW19 reporting on the event from a small cubbyhole positioned high up on Centre Court, right opposite the umpire's chair.

This was the Cliff Richard singing in the rain era, and before the days of a roof on Centre Court, player challenges to line ruling, and the tradition for women players to have an orgasm with every forehand and backhand. Why do they do it? Talk about unsportsmanlike conduct, and bloody annoying!

Actually, tennis has moved on and for the better. The introduction of technology is great and adds another element to the match. The covered court is a bonus to ensure you do get play and actually the nighttime matches have a special frisson about them - just a shame about the 11pm curfew; surely the council and the All England Tennis Club can lay on contingency plans since the trains run until well after midnight.

The one disappointment is how the BBC's tennis coverage is so lame. What a joy to hear Barry Davies's voice on our screens again after a long absence, but some of the camera work is awful. The lack of replays on key points, or shots to capture the drama of some of the matches is woeful. The graphics too are so basic. Imagine Sky TV covering the match and the innovations they would introduce. The BBC's TV coverage is still stuck in the days of Dan Maskell.

Mind you, with the way our TV is working right now, it wouldn't matter whether the BBC, Sky or Martian TV were broadcasting Wimbledon, we wouldn't be fully in the picture anyway!