Beware the crinkly shopping with the mobility scooter!

OLD people, don't you just love 'em!

Living in sun-kissed Eastbourne, affectionately dubbed "god's waiting room", the town has its fair share of crinklies; those who have made East Sussex their home or the hundreds of thousands of visitors who each year take their holidays on the Sunshine Coast.

We've been celebrating Christmas here since late October when parties of "Turkey and tinsel" tourists began arriving in a fleet of coaches drawing up along Grand Parade.

I'd never head of "T&T" before moving here - a clever marketing move by the hotels, both here and in places like Torquay and Bournemouth, to exploit that dull period between the end of summer and the start of Christmas when occupany is light by staging their own mini festive seasons.

So in a matter of a few days, at cheap as chips prices, party-goers can enjoy the delights of Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day rolled into one. Five days of non-stop turkey, crackers, eggnog, party hats and a trip through the festive season song book.

Come the end of October, the hotels are unseasonly adorned with Christmas tree lights, so as you walk along the seafront you can't miss these festively-dressed folk stood outside their hotels grabbing a cigarette before heading back in for more fun and frollicks!

Believe you me, when I'm in the autumn of my years you won't catch me celebrating Christmas and New Year two months early before we've even had Fireworks' Night - one festive season is more than enough, thank you!

Anyway, I digress. So in this season of goodwill to all men, an expression which, to be frank, is a load of rollocks in the heaving shopping aisles of Sainsbury's, it's interesting how people's characters change as we draw closer to Christmas Day. Are we courteous, are our faces filled with smiles and joy? Are we heck!

The big supermarket shop the other lunchtime was brutal. One friend said he visited Tesco's late night at around 11pm hoping for a brisk scoot round the store only to find it busy and bustling. Come a few days before Christmas it was Murder on the Supermarket Dance Floor - no quarter given, except maybe in the pet food aisle which no-one could be bothered to visit, with shopping trolleys the weapon of choice.

The tactics were clear; never give way at a crossroads, block at every opportunity, particularly down a narrow aisle. If you are part of a team - mum, dad and children, even with friends, then use them at every opportunity to throw a human curtain right across a section. Stop suddenly, have a long conversation, consult a shopping list, or even greet friends and neighbours with a drawn-out chat right in the most inconvenient part of the store, ignoring the seething faces of fellow shoppers.

And if they see you eyeing up a particular product, grab a handful quickly to deny your opponent the opportunity to snaffle the last of the Cranberry Sauce jars, even if you don't want it. You can put it back at a later date

Use those heavy supermarket storage trolleys wisely as a canny blocking tactic so when a staff member is pushing stock slowly down an aisle, block the remainder of the narrow corridor with your own trolley - like a cumbersome HGV taking the outside lane of a motorway. Even better, just park your trolley and wander off aimlessly with a sneaky look behind at the logjam you have created. It's a good, frustrating move which allows you to hold aisle ascendancy and freely plunder from the counters without passing interference.

Bring back Dale Winton because this has got all the portents of a gorey TV game show; from Supermarket Sweep to Supermarket Slaughter - the last man or woman standing with their ruthlessly-equipped trolley, a Spartacus-like contraption with spokes on the wheels to rip to shreds the ankles of rival shoppers, victorious among the carnage in the aisles to win the Christmas turkey!

Oh it's a game show winner, and who would triumph every time? The Crinklies including the most supreme opponents of all, the feared, nay undefeated and spine-chilling agressor of all - the crinkly with their own mobility scooter.

Wider than a conventional shopping trolley, faster and with a greater turning circle, these awesome creatures strike fear into any mortal customer hoping for a dash and cash shop. Their drivers are black belt exponents in the retail martial arts, first Dans every time and they know every subtle move in the game book.

Cross them, and you're dead in the water. Not just in a supermarket, but out shopping in the High Street or in a shopping centre there is no way they will give way.

The other day, I found myself side-stepping into the lingerie section at M&S to avoid a severe crinkly blockage caused by a squabbling couple in front who were waddling procession-like by the imperial Queen aboad a mobility scooter who was stopping like a London bus at every possible section.

Maybe I'm unfortunate with the people I meet, but joking aside I know when I'm pushing Ross around in his buggy through the Arndale Shopping Centre, the thoughtlessness of some folk, not even thinking of giving way, not even being considerate of others is simply mind-blowing. It is just plain rude.

There is a bigoted arrogance about the elderly in many cases - maybe they have had too much turkey and tinsel and simply peaked too early!