Watch out when Calamity King is about!

A FRIEND of mine has nicknamed me Calamity King. A just reputation, I think, hued more than 40 years ago when, as a sprightly seven-year-old, I somehow cycled into a greenhouse in a neighbours' home.

It was only thanks to my dad's quick action in sealing wound with blood pouring out that he saved my life. The legacy of that numpty moment and those 10 stitches can be found on my left arm.

Oh, I've broken my arm swinging Tarzan-like from trees, managed to lose my car keys in the middle of a boating lake, tried to cook a frozen chicken in a grill, and I once reversed over my laptop in my car! They're just a smidgen of the CK moments which have dogged my life.

The latest of which was the moment last weekend when I fuelled the company car with unleaded petrol instead of diesel. What a moronic muppet! I should have known it was the wrong fuel because twice when I tried to pull the unleaded hose over to the tank, it sent the diesel pump flying off its rack and onto the forecourt floor. One concerned motorist shouted out "Easy Tiger!".

What was I thinking?!! It was only six litres of unleaded, but it could have been 600 litres for all it mattered. I realised in an instant what had happened and then it was sweaty armpit time!

The cashiers in the garage were total gents, plying me with coffee while I waited. They warned me a call-out to the AA would cost a minimum of £250, so recommended a local guy who would do it for £160.

They'd witnessed a few of these phenomenal fuel failures recently at the garage, including one guy who filled up his girlfriend's soft top Audi with £80 of the wrong petrol. So by the time he had called the fella from the fuel company, filled up twice, this brassed-off boyfriend was the best part of £300 down.

Help arrived an hour later and it took the mechanic just 20 minutes to pump out the fuel from the tank. I asked him how could they justify charging such an exorbitant amount, and he simply shrugged his shoulders. The staff each gets about seven call-outs a day, working an area south of the M25. It was daylight robbery, but I was just glad to get the car sorted and on my way. 


I HAVE a rampant dislike of IT folk (excusing my brother) who are so autistic in their ways, that the words "common sense" and "allowing people to think for themselves" do not exist in their mealy-mouthed vocabularies. If in doubt, just password protect it and change it in 28 days!

They drive me nuts with their stupid rules and regulations which merely demonstrate their own personal failures to maintain a computer system which runs safely and without constantly crashing! Instead they've created unnecessary bottlenecks and protocols for their own job protectionism. One day, I promise you, these IT geeks will take over the world!

This week I have moved home to a seemingly remote part of the south coast which seems devoid of mobile phone signal or Wi-Fi. It has driven me to distraction trying to get online. In the end found a wonderful IT fella called Robert, who talked in plain English, didn't sell me what I didn't need, and simply set about the task of getting me a network which worked.

He runs his own business, goes about his work in a quiet, unassuming way, and he was an absolute God-send.

See, IT folk aren't so bad after all.


ON Sunday evening, I hosted a 90 minute show at the Devonshire Park Theatre in Eastbourne to mark the installation of the theatre's new state-of-the-art hearing loop system. The event was jointly organised by the theatre and the charity Hearing Link.

I had managed to persuade an innovative group of performers called the Pocket-Size Theatre Group to come along and sing about a dozen songs from well-known and more contemporary musicals. In between time, I interviewed various folk involved with hearing loops and hearing aids.

We had no idea how many people would turn up to the free event at the theatre, but more than 100 did, and it was good to have them there. We had mixed reviews about the quality of the loop, but this is something which will have to be looked at.

The interviews went well, and I was really pleased with how well they flowed using no notes at all, which meant for spontaneity and crisp sets.

Sadly, when I did use notes it heralded the return of some appalling CK moments. Twice I lost the my place with my notes and twice I wrongly introduced songs which the Pocket-Size Theatre Group were performing. It was time for the underarm deodorant again, but you try to work around it.

However, the point of the evening in promoting the use of hearing loops plus a venue where those with hearing aids could enjoy live performances was made, and made well.

This weekend, it's back to Eastbourne for the International Loop Conference with delegates travelling all around the world. I've got a six-minute speech prepared, with notes. Let's hope for no CK moments this time.